Week 2- Sankofa

[tamara_in_jakarta]

I got left at the altar. By myself.

Not that I was standing there alone, like some sad movie character. I mean I left myself at the altar.

A lifetime of moving from place to place and country to country transitioned easily into a nomadic adulthood. The revelation that I was lucky enough to be able to monetize my trauma coping skills of being able for forecast at light speed what would go wrong with people and situations into a career in crisis management sent me to places your government tends to tell you to avoid. I referred to places by airport codes.

“I’m headed to CXB via DXB and BAN.” was a normal and understandable sentence.

Suddenly, I’m 36 and starting to wonder if the next guy who asks me to marry him might be the last. Nothing else in my life had been what I was supposed to do, but I had my mid-life crisis early, always been an overachiever, and thought, shit. Maybe I should get married. So when he asked, I said yes.
He was good on paper. Stable, scientist, claimed to accept what I did and who I was and was not going to ask me to change. And I believed it, I bought it all and hoped that the prize would be that calm domesticity that I did not have in my childhood of broken glasses, thrown plates and fists through wallboard, or my adulthood of war zones, refugee camps and outbreaks.

It was. For a while.

Then the kids came. Then the depression and isolation and just. Not. Being. Built. For. This. But who is?
As the days and years passed, I settled into my new life as a married single parent. A driven woman who had it all, including a hapless roommate who tried to have sex with me all the time and whined about how hard his life was as a white man with a PhD in today’s world. Who could possibly be as hard done by as he by the world? Don’t answer, that conversation doesn’t end well.

I spent years making myself small to keep him from feeling like what he had become, a tiny, sad, slip of a man. Where did I get the idea that I owed him that?

Just like those self-satisfied Instagram reels say, the years pass in the blink of an eye and the kids, still young, were self-aware, self sufficient and seeing my unhappiness every day. I couldn’t raise men like that. I owed the world better. I owed myself better.

So I engineered my departure, ensuring the kids were in the loop. The husband? Who cares. His world is a population of one. I went back and got who I was before all of this and went back to doing what made me feel alive, made me want to be alive.

He keeps shrinking while I remember what it’s like to be in my skin, in my head.

Then without warning, one day at a conference, a sly character in a very nice suit is seated next to me and we crack jokes and have an easy conversation and he says “You like boats? I was going to rent a boat tomorrow. Can you bring some beer?”

I did bring beer, and what I’d left behind last time.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

I like how you ended this!

[tamara_in_jakarta]

Thanks, I like how it's ending too ;)

[fausts_dream]

In a previous life anyone bringing beer was welcome. But the beer was seldom as important as who was bringing it. And I LOVED beer.

[tamara_in_jakarta]

In this case the beer was critical as every possible thing that could have gone wrong on the trip did.

[roina_arwen]

Sounds like an entry for another prompt!

[swirlsofpurple]

Hugs, sorry about all you went through, glad it turned out well in the end

[tamara_in_jakarta]

As they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.

[tonithegreat]

I love this take on the prompt. I might go a similar direction. And I love that you directed yourself out of sadness in real life. An important thing to have courage to do!

[tamara_in_jakarta]

Thank you. In the end the only person who was mad I did what I needed to was him. The kids are fine!

[reidharriscooper]

I would say you must feel grateful that you could find yourself again, right where you left yourself. Now able to go forward more properly, full and knowledgable of what you lost and what losing it meant yet keeping everything now together as one totality.

(I think I made sense?)

[tamara_in_jakarta]

Thanks. I don't think I ever fully gave up on who I was totally, I just kept shrinking and shrinking and still he managed to be smaller.

[mollywheezy]

Very powerfully written piece! The beginning and ending were especially clever. I'm sorry for all you went through and am glad you have come out of it.

[nicholewithanh]

I’m so glad that this ended with you finding yourself again after everything you’ve been through. Even better to have someone to enjoy it with. It must feel amazing to be on this path (err...boat?) and rediscover what really makes you happy.

[roina_arwen]

I’m glad you were able to stop shrinking and start living again. Bad hubby, no biscuit.

[thephantomq]

Oh do I relate to the marriage aspect. Making oneself smaller for the sake of not disrupting their partner.

Yeah, I'm not in that relationship anymore, either. Good to see you've found what you'd left behind and brought her back <3

[muchtooarrogant]

I appreciate happy endings, and was glad your story had one. :)

I hope you won't mind an observation. As I read your piece, your writing seemed to grow smoother as the story progressed. It occurred to me that you might have intended that, to reflect the character's growing happiness and security, but I wasn't sure.

Dan

[chasing_silver]

I love this life journey of a story. I loved the airport codes especially! I have friends who refer to their travels by airport codes, too <3

[halfshellvenus]

His world is a population of one.
Selfish and self-centered, and the only things that matter are those that affect him.

Tiptoeing around someone's insecurities is VERY hard, and it seemed as if there was no "you" in that marriage anymore, other than what he wanted from you.

I'm glad you got out, and that you and your kids found a life beyond him where you are probably ALL much more yourselves now.

[murielle]

Such a beautiful take on the prompt. I feel so much hope for her. She has herself, again, at last.

Yay!

[sohardtohold]

I share the feeling of not being built for this. I'm glad you reminded us that none of us are. Great story.

[tamara_in_jakarta]

None of us were built to throw away who we are.

[erulissedances]

I like how much you managed to pack in a fairly short tale. I always appreciate people who actually get to the point in their writing. She's strong, competent, and well able to have a serious relationship on her OWN terms.

- Erulisse (one L)

[alycewilson]

I like how you played with the idea of identity and how you can lose it but also regain it.